Sobriety
Sobriety was something I thought of a lot when I lived in New York City from 1996-2005. I met my first friends who were in AA, and boy, do I love a group. The only thing I knew about those meetings was what I had seen in films or on TV shows. I did not know anyone growing up who did not drink (literally zero people). When I saw those two fellows all of those years ago across the table at the local Irish Pub where we all hung out drinking beer and them with their sodas, I wanted to know the depth of what I saw between them. We were/are actors and now therapists/social workers. It's fascinating but not surprising.
I just found this song by Kendrick Lamar, and though it does not entirely resonate, some lines hit pretty deep. I have been sober for two years as of today, so here is a little celebration post. I have a small community of folks I know who don't drink (for a variety of reasons). Some are active in a recovery program, and several are not. It feels so solid and necessary to be sober for me at this time.
Sober, one definition does not apply:
"...straightforward and serious; not exaggerated, emotional, or silly." I have emotional sobriety mostly in check, but I aim to be silly every day!
Image ID: The above art was painted with Koi watercolors this AM. There are small marks in all the colors of the rainbow and bigger washes of yellow, brown, red, and orange. The dirty brown paint water sits on the Koi watercolor box.
I don't attend 12-step groups regularly now. Initially, two years ago, I went daily, then every week, and I petered out at once a month. I plan to work the steps in ALANON because, ultimately, my “why” is the family trauma so many of us have. For you, perhaps it is that great-grandfather whose actions then traumatized you because of your father's self-loathing (this is not my exact story, just saying, don't we all have self-loathing at some point)? And is this self-loathing not often tied to a need to self-medicate? If drugs have not been your thing, it might be your inner hell is perpetrated by a negative voice (that dreaded inner critic). Those thoughts that keep you up at night and tell you you are less than. That voice needs a strong bear hug, or I hope this sweet raccoon might help.
Be your drug of choice: scrolling, shopping, drinking, drugging, sexing, etc.; many of us have these human struggles in spades. Initially, I called myself a "Brene' Brown" sober. Brene' has talked about her sobriety and the drinking she did, and I related to that. (click to read her story). There are so many famous sober people, too many to name. A second one who has inspired me deeply is https://www.codycookparrott.com/!
The most important takeaway I have as I end this sober celebration… our culture is obsessed with alcohol, and I am glad to be done with that obsession. I call myself California sober because here and there, I will have some cannabis. I might do some medicine work someday, but 99% of my days, I run on art, dance, meditation, and love. Alcohol and nicotine used to be the things I looked for to take the edge off, and that no longer worked. Well, it was never actually working. I have so much more space in my brain. The amount of time I worried about how I acted on even two glasses of wine is slightly obscene.
Two years ago, I told a friend I was getting sober, and she said, "Forever"? I said, yup, that is the plan. I think a lot of people did not know I had a “drinking problem”. I think, in part, I would agree, but I had a hard-on-myself problem. I still have a problem of being too hard on myself sometimes, but it is much better. Alcohol, weed, and cigarettes were tools I used to continue to oppress myself. Every morning, the night after I had one - three glasses of wine and /or one- three beers, I would wake up with a headache/hangover. Especially as my forties arrived, I was reminded of the substances trying to eek their way out of my blood system. In my teens and onward, the hangovers were worse, so it is a complete relief to have those gone and work with the inner psychic space that remains. I am sober and silly. Questions that remain yet to be fully answered: How did I fall into those traps of our culture? How can I keep my son safe from these traps? I have a ton of work to do, and yet I stand here, and I can say I am in recovery from the worst thing any of us can do: self-recrimination and self-betrayal. Returning to ourselves is always the answer. Maybe you have many breaths each day that nourish you amid these trying times.
Thanks for reading; please connect with all my offers here:
https://linktr.ee/bhopeb
With love, Bridget
