reflection
"Each star is a mirror reflecting the truth inside you." — Aberjhani (Journey through the Power of the Rainbow: Quotations from a Life Made Out of Poetry)
I am republishing this blog with updates, initially written in 2021; I hope you might find it grounding or helpful.
One of the biggest things I have learned in all my years of teaching, parenting, and therapy is to try very hard not to invalidate what my kid brings to me. So, if he says, "I am stupid. No one likes me," after MANY years of my own therapy, I have learned to say one of these things:
"That sounds horrible...
…tell me more...
…you must feel so sad….”
....or I sit quietly with him in that dark place.
This is also the way to be a friend in grief. This is also the way to be with ourselves always, in my humble option. To be with ourselves kindly in suffering is a challenge but necessary.
Refection is the way. Why is it so difficult? Maybe because pain sucks? Change can suck when it is not what you want. I don’t want to see God in that moment (bringing in the wise Octavia Butler here, “God is Change”). When your kid is in pain, you don’t want it to be that way. When your friend is in pain, also, same…maybe your somatic reaction is: let’s not stay here; it’s scary. Run, fix, ignore, tell them all the reasons why what they feel will get better; there is a silver lining. They are so intelligent, worthy, unique, etc. All true, all of these things are likely true, and yet. There could not be a more cloudy mirror for that suffering person at that moment.
I know this seems counter to what we might want to do (fix, solve, offer advice); trust me, I have been there. I still fall into this trap. However, I find in the long term, he (my kid, almost 16 now) knows he can bring me the “hard parts.”
Does this resonate? Please email and let me know your throughs. I often feel like I am gently dragging my clients to this realization...but I feel it deep in my soul now. Who else besides a therapist, educator, trusted friend, or parent will listen to these parts (especially before we learn to listen to ourselves)?
I am not saying I am my kids' therapist or my friends’ therapist, but reflection is the best part of therapy/coaching and not what we typically think of when we think of therapist/healer/helper/coach. We think of the analysis, we think of the endpoint, we think of goals and tools, and the forward motion. Dear friends, sometimes we must sit in the muck. We must sit in the mud. Let’s be clear; I am writing this blog for myself today.
I think sometimes we think of the poor examples on TV and in Movies of the helpers. The therapists who sleep with their clients (F’d up!). The guru who takes all your money. The famous online psychologist who seems to have all the answers in cute bite-size Instagram tiles. These are all easy rabbit holes for me to fall into too!
I hope all of you have at least ONE good friend who will listen to the sad parts. I want this for my kid, too, especially after all of these years of a lack of public grieving (pandemic, end-stage capitalism, and the united states hellscape, laws further marginalizing those that have been on the fringe for far too long). So, find a friend, find a family member who wants to go deep. Parenting alone, that shit is so hard, I have a fantastic co-parent, but if you are having a hard time reflecting, I have so much compassion for you. One moment at a time, you’ve got this.
Please know (in addition to the reflection) I boost my kid up, too, saying, "You worked so hard on that project." Or "I see how you prepare yourself for school each day.”
Notice I don't only say, "I am so proud of you.” And, some days, I do. I am so freaking proud of this kid! There is no one right way; none of us are perfect in all these pursuits of knowledge. Hence, the friend, the lover, the trusted helper who offers a hand. It takes a collective to heal this mess we often find ourselves in.
"Building a relationship, foundation, and confidence in our children is how they learn to love themselves, accept their flaws, and dance to the beat of their own drum. After all, they are a reflection of us – we are our children’s foundation."
— Charlena E. Jackson
Check out all the links below; with love, Bridget
https://linktr.ee/bhopeb